All I want in life is to not have debilitating migraines. I had a migraine from 3-1:30 and i haven’t slept in 22 hours. It’s 6:06 am and I’m ready to die. It is so unfair. People who don’t constantly get migraines wouldn’t understand. They get one (maybe) and they’re like “oh I didn’t like that I’m glad that I don’t get them often” yeah well I do. And it fucking sucks. They make me want to die. Not in a suicidal way, but a pain relief type of way. When I get them, I don’t understand how I’ll be able to make it through and I can’t think about the next time. Getting that pain again? It’s just so fucking hard. So it’s not only in that moment, but fear of that feeling again. Constantly haunting me. And stress just causes them to be more frequent. Well guess the fuck what, it’s my freshman year of college and it’s almost time for finals. FUN. I am not able to do this anymore. Pot should be legal. I should be able to access what I need to help me in times like this. So far I’ve tried too many medications to count and the only thing that I’ve found help my headaches are aromatherapy and smoking. I started smoking heavily after I got my concussion. I smoked a couple times before but wasn’t that interested. Until I found out that they help my migraines Nd so many more things. I am ready to give up. I’m ready to leave school. I’m ready to have a mental breakdown. I’m just not sure how much longer I can handle pain like this. My parents don’t understand because they don’t suffer from chronic migraines. But mine aren’t chemical imbalances so medicine doesn’t help. I’m just too fucking done with this.

So I was never hospitalized for my eating issues. I never sought out help for it until after I was in a better place. My parents threaten me, eat or hospital, I made my choice. In 7th and 8th grade I was eating one meal a day, If I could get away with it I would skip eating dinner that day. My parents had no idea until my moms friend told her she saw messages from her sons phone discussing my eating problems. I was already starting to do slightly better. I was never to the point of my muscles eating themselves. I was simply not eating. This was during puberty so my body was Doing weird things anyway so many people didn’t really notice, except those close to me.
Jeremy, lou and Joey truly gave me my life back. I was in 7th grade 100 lbs 5 foot 4. I used to cry for hours about my body, I wondered how to fix my problems. I now weigh about 135 at 5 ft 6. I still struggle almost every single day to eat healthy. If it was my choice I just wouldn’t eat at all. But I can’t do that.
Last year I got a concussion and could no longer play soccer. Soccer was what I put that frustration of eating into. Soccer could fix it all. I weighed about 145 then, which was so hard. Thank god I have my boyfriend. Now I’m relatively healthy. It still is a struggle every single day to know that I could weigh less if I just stopped eating. I would be skinner if I just stopped eating. The picture of me on the left is something I never thought I would have the confidence to take. I look good, tan, a healthy weight. The photo on the right is what I aim to be. That is not just having a flat stomach, but that girl is healthy, she has muscle tone, she is more realistic body type for me. I don’t like what I see in the mirror most days. It has been almost 4 years since I decided to get my shit together. I am still struggling and college is really hard. And not many people know what I went through, I don’t advertise my struggle because for me it’s embarrassing that I want to throw up if I eat, it’s embarrassing that when I go until 11 at night to eat I am so proud of myself. I don’t know many people who have struggled with Ana, so it’s hard to talk to anyone about it. I know my friends would be supportive but they don’t understand so I can’t ask. So when I get the “be prepared for the freshman 15” I don’t take it as an attack, but a reminder. It’s really hard to not tell people that they need to be careful who they say those things to. Because I’m not normal, most people’s opinions of me don’t matter. My boyfriend and his family,my friends, and my brothers are the only ones whose opinions matter to me. Those comments may not hurt me but someone else who has struggled might do something extremely irrational out of reaction to those comments. One day I will have my ideal body’s. And I’m sure I will still struggle then to eat. But I won’t know until I get there. I’m doing well now and I really appreciate Alec for making me see some of the positive aspects of my body. I thank Jeremy and lou for the help that they gave me to begin my journey to recovery. And Joey for continuing helping me when Eileen died and I couldn’t handle my life. Without these people, every single one of them, if one of them did not exist, I wouldn’t be alive today. I’m sure of that, so thank you. I don’t really like talking about this but sometimes i just need to write how im feeling for the relief of my sanity. I hope soon, that the unrealistic body goals of girls will soon subside. The media may have been the root of this problem, but the media has changed their ways. The media is doing a really good job at advertising body positivity and I really hope that with the help of the media and those who have been through this struggle, that eating disorders begin to disappear.

It’s 3:24 in the morning and I can’t breath

It’s amazing that I’m fucking 17 years old and my dad can still make me cry like a little fucking baby

I want to leave so badly. So so badly, but I see nicole every day. She’s not the same. She had such a bright light in her eyes that left when he did. I can’t turn you into nicole. I can’t do that to you. But I want to leave so badly. Why can’t I just leave already

It’s bad when you’re too depressed to read

Being the least important one in the entire family and having everyone show you it>